Monday, August 31, 2015

joe flacco

Hello, everyone.  Sorry for the absence, right after my latest comments/arguments in the previous thread karma came a knocking and a little something called influenza decided to have its way with me.

The plus side is that my Nyquil induced episode of Fear and Loathing provided ample thinking time about the upcoming free agency period and the Draft.  With the Draft still 100 days away (exactly) I decided I would spend the next few days taking a look at some of the names we can ready ourselves to see on the free agent market.

Up first are the quarterbacks and the rankings, while specific towards the Vikings, are my own and are certainly up for debate.  With both Leslie Frazier and Rick Spielman singing Christian Ponder’s praises following this season, it seems unlikely that we can expect any huge moves towards a new starter, but the Wild Card round certainly proved we could use some competition at the backup spots.

TOP TIER

The top tier of the quarterback free agency class includes only one name, and is sure to include zero by the time free agency actually rolls around.  Joe Flacco gets the top spot here, but his stock has never been higher after an improbable Divisional Round victory, and he will surely warrant the franchise tag at the very least.

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[Editor’s Note:  They say laughter is the best medicine.  That is why I didn’t flinch at the idea of faithful reader “Tomb” contributing some weekend laughs from time to time here on the pages of Vikings Territory.  This recurring (if you like it) segment will bring you satirical headlines from around the NFL and run under the title “the Tombion” which is an obvious rip off of…”

Brow vs. Brow: Bert Files Suit Against Flacco

BALTIMORE–Appearing before a small but energetic throng of reporters at an impromptu press conference to defend recent litigation filed by his attorneys against Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco, Bert, of Sesame Street’s Bert and Ernie, was at times calm and rational, at times highly combative, sometimes even waxing oddly nostalgic, but always relaying an unflinching confidence in his decision. Bert’s petition insists that Joe Flacco knowingly and willingly infringed on Bert’s trademark unibrow to further his personal career ambitions.

“This is a clear trademark violation,” Bert insisted. “Do you have any idea how many years I’ve been rockin’ this eyebar? I’ve spent most of my life, maybe most of my soul to make this thing part of the American fabric. I’ve put in the time. I didn’t do it to have some poseur accelerate his own position by ripping me off. I mean, come on! The Ravens have a defense and Ray Rice. That’s it. Flacco shamelessly rides their talents and pretends he’s actually a quarterback to be taken seriously? Like the team would fall apart without his constant lack of clutch playmaking? If he’s an elite quarterback, then Vanilla Ice is a musical genius. Think about it, 4th & 29, just under 2 minutes to go, and what does Flacco do? A dump pass to your running back? Seriously? Real ‘Brady-like’ performance there, Joe. Rice puts the team on his back; against all odds he converts the 4th, and Flacco has the audacity to celebrate like he had anything to do with it? This turd needs to be flushed, and I’m just the man to do the flushing. You can quote me on that!”

Meanwhile, from team headquarters, Joe Flacco issued a more solemn, but nonetheless shocking prepared address.

“Bert’s accusations are frivolous. I’m confident that true justice will ultimately prevail, and the American judicial system will agree with me that these are baseless accusations. It makes no sense. The facts are clear, I stand before you as the starting quarterback for an NFL team, I make millions of dollars doing so, and I’ve never even been to second base with anyone. My marriage? A sham. She won’t let me touch her. Our child? Not mine. I have no idea whose kid that is. I have zero doubt this caterpillar on my forehead has contributed to my frustrations and ultimate personal failings. Why would I willingly do that to myself? Again, it makes no sense, much like his case.”

Bert’s domestic partner, Ernie, declined comment.

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