the Tombion: All the satire, none of the originality.
[Editor’s Note: They say laughter is the best medicine. That is why I didn’t flinch at the idea of faithful reader “Tomb” contributing some weekend laughs from time to time here on the pages of Vikings Territory. This recurring (if you like it) segment will bring you satirical headlines from around the NFL and run under the title “the Tombion” which is an obvious rip off of…”
Brow vs. Brow: Bert Files Suit Against Flacco
BALTIMORE–Appearing before a small but energetic throng of reporters at an impromptu press conference to defend recent litigation filed by his attorneys against Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco, Bert, of Sesame Street’s Bert and Ernie, was at times calm and rational, at times highly combative, sometimes even waxing oddly nostalgic, but always relaying an unflinching confidence in his decision. Bert’s petition insists that Joe Flacco knowingly and willingly infringed on Bert’s trademark unibrow to further his personal career ambitions.
“This is a clear trademark violation,” Bert insisted. “Do you have any idea how many years I’ve been rockin’ this eyebar? I’ve spent most of my life, maybe most of my soul to make this thing part of the American fabric. I’ve put in the time. I didn’t do it to have some poseur accelerate his own position by ripping me off. I mean, come on! The Ravens have a defense and Ray Rice. That’s it. Flacco shamelessly rides their talents and pretends he’s actually a quarterback to be taken seriously? Like the team would fall apart without his constant lack of clutch playmaking? If he’s an elite quarterback, then Vanilla Ice is a musical genius. Think about it, 4th & 29, just under 2 minutes to go, and what does Flacco do? A dump pass to your running back? Seriously? Real ‘Brady-like’ performance there, Joe. Rice puts the team on his back; against all odds he converts the 4th, and Flacco has the audacity to celebrate like he had anything to do with it? This turd needs to be flushed, and I’m just the man to do the flushing. You can quote me on that!”
Meanwhile, from team headquarters, Joe Flacco issued a more solemn, but nonetheless shocking prepared address.
“Bert’s accusations are frivolous. I’m confident that true justice will ultimately prevail, and the American judicial system will agree with me that these are baseless accusations. It makes no sense. The facts are clear, I stand before you as the starting quarterback for an NFL team, I make millions of dollars doing so, and I’ve never even been to second base with anyone. My marriage? A sham. She won’t let me touch her. Our child? Not mine. I have no idea whose kid that is. I have zero doubt this caterpillar on my forehead has contributed to my frustrations and ultimate personal failings. Why would I willingly do that to myself? Again, it makes no sense, much like his case.”
Bert’s domestic partner, Ernie, declined comment.
Other News Around the League:
–Chad Johnson Cited for Speeding in Mexico Doing Ocho Cinco in a Cuatro Cinco Lane
–Pete Carroll Decries ‘Why the Long Face” Jokes, John Elway Echoes Message
–Bill Belichick Unveils New Offensive Game Plan Entitled “Final Solution,” Draws Widespread Condemnation
–Browns Owner Jimmy Haslam Admits Decades Long Failure “Worth It” to Ensure Consistent Misery of Cleveland Residents, Vows to Continue Legacy
–Viking Fans Cite Hasty Engagement as Proof Christian Ponder Locks Onto First Receiver too Quickly