Once again, infamous reader “Tomb” is back with some spontaneous satire. Considering this week saw The Onion try to lampoon Chris Kluwe, only to be out-Onioned by Kluwe himself, the timing fits. Yeah, slow news week.. Enjoy!
the Tombion: All the satire, none of the originality.
Rick Spielman Reaches Uncomfortably Far Across Table to Pass Christian Ponder Ketchup.
Eden Prarie—At a team luncheon, Vikings quarterback Christian Ponder quietly asked for someone to pass the ketchup. Though three people were positioned close enough to the bottle to be able to comfortably and easily provide it to him, Rick Spielman abruptly leapt up and extended ridiculously far across the table to grab the bottle and send it Christian’s way.
“I’ve been to plenty of these luncheon deals,” an unnamed source proffered, “but I’ve never seen anybody pull anything like that. I mean, the guy was up on his tip toes. We’ve all heard rumors about Al Davis; that he’d actually get up on the table on all fours to reach for the ketchup, but I’ve never actually seen it, so this, to me, ranks as the biggest reach I’ve personally witnessed.”
Spielman reportedly did not, however, reach for the check.
Other Vikings Headlines:
–After Landing Three Blue Chip 1st Round Draft Picks, Leslie Frazier Gives Serious Consideration to Smiling. Doesn’t.
–Surprising 5th Round Pick, Punter Jeff Locke From UCLA, Vows to Remember That 154 Were Drafted Ahead of Him, and to Use That as Motivation “Every Single Morning He Wakes Up, and Every Night He Goes to Bed.”
–Phil Loadholt Forced Back to Starting Line for 3-legged Race at Local Barbecue After False Start.
–Wary Vikings Staff Assign Penn State Draft Picks Gerald Hodges and Michael Mauti Separate Shower Assignments From Rest of Team.
–Visibly Upset Joe Webb Rebukes Vikings Brass for Not Cutting Joe Webb, Asserts “He’s Just Plain Awful, He‘s Certainly No NFL Quarterback.”
–Jared Allen Publicly Laments Adrian Peterson’s Decision to Enter the 2013 Season Without Serious Injury to Rehab; Questions Dedication and Offers to “Break Femur, or Whatever. You Know, Gillooly Him.”
–Chris Cook Gives Awkward Pep Talk at Rochester Jr. High; “I Haven’t Choked Anything But My Chicken” Joke Falls Flat.
–Kicker Blair Walsh Forced to Fake Laugh at “Blair Walsh Project” Joke 4 Times in Single Day.
–Jubilant Vikings Coaching Staff Celebrates Brilliant Draft With Impromptu Dairy Queen Run. Bill Musgrave Opts for Small Vanilla Cone.
–Chris Kluwe Spends Day Quietly Whiting Out Sunday Entries on Unicorn Themed Monthly Planner.