Wednesday, November 22, 2017

chad ochocinco

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[Editor’s Note:  They say laughter is the best medicine.  That is why I didn’t flinch at the idea of faithful reader “Tomb” contributing some weekend laughs from time to time here on the pages of Vikings Territory.  This recurring (if you like it) segment will bring you satirical headlines from around the NFL and run under the title “the Tombion” which is an obvious rip off of…”

Brow vs. Brow: Bert Files Suit Against Flacco

BALTIMORE–Appearing before a small but energetic throng of reporters at an impromptu press conference to defend recent litigation filed by his attorneys against Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco, Bert, of Sesame Street’s Bert and Ernie, was at times calm and rational, at times highly combative, sometimes even waxing oddly nostalgic, but always relaying an unflinching confidence in his decision. Bert’s petition insists that Joe Flacco knowingly and willingly infringed on Bert’s trademark unibrow to further his personal career ambitions.

“This is a clear trademark violation,” Bert insisted. “Do you have any idea how many years I’ve been rockin’ this eyebar? I’ve spent most of my life, maybe most of my soul to make this thing part of the American fabric. I’ve put in the time. I didn’t do it to have some poseur accelerate his own position by ripping me off. I mean, come on! The Ravens have a defense and Ray Rice. That’s it. Flacco shamelessly rides their talents and pretends he’s actually a quarterback to be taken seriously? Like the team would fall apart without his constant lack of clutch playmaking? If he’s an elite quarterback, then Vanilla Ice is a musical genius. Think about it, 4th & 29, just under 2 minutes to go, and what does Flacco do? A dump pass to your running back? Seriously? Real ‘Brady-like’ performance there, Joe. Rice puts the team on his back; against all odds he converts the 4th, and Flacco has the audacity to celebrate like he had anything to do with it? This turd needs to be flushed, and I’m just the man to do the flushing. You can quote me on that!”

Meanwhile, from team headquarters, Joe Flacco issued a more solemn, but nonetheless shocking prepared address.

“Bert’s accusations are frivolous. I’m confident that true justice will ultimately prevail, and the American judicial system will agree with me that these are baseless accusations. It makes no sense. The facts are clear, I stand before you as the starting quarterback for an NFL team, I make millions of dollars doing so, and I’ve never even been to second base with anyone. My marriage? A sham. She won’t let me touch her. Our child? Not mine. I have no idea whose kid that is. I have zero doubt this caterpillar on my forehead has contributed to my frustrations and ultimate personal failings. Why would I willingly do that to myself? Again, it makes no sense, much like his case.”

Bert’s domestic partner, Ernie, declined comment.

Okay, so, here is the deal.

  1. The Vikings could use an upgrade at wide receiver.
  2. Chad Ochocinco was been released by the Patriots.

So, naturally, Twitter and Facebook are instantly flooded with Vikings fans stumping for Ocho to join the team.

Sound ridiculous?

Well, it isn’t so ridiculous if a guy like Mike Florio of PFT, who actually gets paid lots of money to think about these things, makes a comment like this:

“Look at the depth chart,” writes Florio.  “He’d instantly be the second-best receiver on the roster, behind Percy Harvin.”

So, if Florio wrote this, it must have some merit to it, right?


Now, I like Florio more than many of you do, but I just can’t see how anyone who is paying attention to anything about this year’s Minnesota Vikings can think that there is a place for the 34 year old receiver on this roster.

Last year, playing in one of the league’s best offenses with one of the NFL’s best quarterbacks ever, Ochocinco rarely made any sort of impact.  He played in 15 games, starting three, but managed only 15 catches.  He turned those grabs into 276 yards and a touchdown.

The Vikings receivers had a combination of Donovan McNabb, rookie Christian Ponder, and Joe Webb throwing to them.  Still, many of them managed to out-perform Ocho in 2011.

In 11 games, Michael Jenkins managed 38 receptions for 466 yards and three scores.  Devin Aromashodu had 26 receptions for 468 yards and a touchdown.  With the Bengals, Jerome Simpson had 50 catches for 725 yards and four touchdowns.

I fail to see how the stats, or common sense, could lead someone to believe Ochocinco would “instantly” become the Vikings second best receiver.

The only thing he would instantly become is the Vikings oldest receiver.

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