In the storied history of the great Minnesota Vikings, rarely have they experienced an abysmal season. The last was the one and only year of Les Steckel. Before that, not counting the early years of the franchise, the Vikes would have a down year or two, but would always be a contender. Not this year.
This year, the Vikings cut Jeff Meta Universal Peace Dugan in preseason. Why? This was not god's decision, this decision was made under nefarious circumstances. This is not good. An unspoken presence has descended upon this vaunted franchise. Mental illness, maybe. Delirium, perhaps. Pipe smoking Ivy League professors, nope. Something this diabolical can only originate in Wisconsin. Time for impulsive, drastic and unnecessary reactions before it's too late.
Blow up the bridges, build a wall north of the St Croix. Use the Minnesota Navy to patrol Lake Superior. Ferret out every Sconnie on the wrong side of the border and torture them (deny them liquor) until they talk. These tactics didn't work well for Hitler or Stalin, but we shouldn't limit ourselves in finding out who cut Dugan.
Instead of using all of those hundreds of Millions of dollars on a new stadium, hire a search committee, (Dog The Bounty Hunter Chapman) and track down Dugan. Plead for mercy and get his corn bred okole back on the Viking's Roster. It's our only hope!