First Round Draft Diary

draft diary
Photo courtesy of Vikings.com

(Note: this is a running diary of Thursday night’s first round. We begin at 7 p.m. CT as the draft starts.)

And we’re off! I’m planted firmly in front of the TV with a Dewar’s on ice, and my fiancé is making dinner so I don’t have to move for at least the next three hours. She’s a keeper, that one.

After months of workouts, speculation, and endless mock drafts, the day is finally here. I’ve loved the NFL Draft since I was old enough to buy the annual Lindys Draft Guide with money I scrounged together from mowing lawns. It’s always been my favorite event on the NFL calendar. It’s evolved through the years, and moved from a Saturday/Sunday affair to a three-day jaunt, with the first round being held in primetime on Thursday. This is just fine with me; an event so grand is worthy of the evening lights.

Roger Goodell walks out to kick things off. The usual boos are audible, but mostly overcome by jubilant cheers from the fans in attendance. It almost seems as if the excitement about the event these people voluntarily paid to attend is outweighing their irrational disdain for a man they’ve never met. Odd.

Goodell: “The 2016 NFL Draft is now open. The Rams are on the clock.”

What? No pomp, no circumstance? No lengthy, self-serving speech or written statement from the NFL PR team? Incredible! Straight to business. I love you, Roger. I really thought they’d milk it like they usually do. Thank God. Let’s do this thing.

While the Rams add a few more minutes onto the weeks they’ve already had to decide who they’re taking number one, we get acquainted with the ESPN broadcast team. Yes, I’m watching ESPN. I don’t know why. We have: 

Chris Berman: The drunk uncle of ESPN. I have no idea why he’s still there or was ever there or if he even has any formal training in broadcasting. Every time I watch him on TV, I’m convinced he’s just winging it. No script, no preparation. It’s as if he just shows up at these things and declares he’s hosting, and no one tells him otherwise because they’re all afraid of him. Maybe he has incriminating photos of someone high up at ESPN. Who knows. At least this is the draft, and he shouldn’t have a chance to drop any of his adorable little catchphrases that no one has ever actually enjoyed. We shall endure him together.

Mel Kiper: I love this guy. My whole life, he’s been synonymous with the draft. His look hasn’t changed in 20 years, his hair in at least 30. Still going strong. I always wonder, what does he do the rest of the year? I mean, he’s the draft guy, but surely this isn’t his full-time job in June. Does he have a part time construction job or something?

Jon Gruden: I keep waiting for the real Jon Gruden to show up in the booth, but I’ve finally accepted that that will never happen. We will never get Chucky as an announcer, and instead be subjected to routine enthusiasm about everything and Gruden yelling, “I LIKE this guy, Mike.”

The New Guy: I’ve never seen this guy sitting next to Berman. Then again, I don’t watch ESPN much, so he could have been around for years. Still, he seems like he knows his stuff. I’ll monitor the situation closely.

The pick is in! Great, bring out Jared Goff. No reason to extend this any longer, since we already know who it is.

(drumming fingers)

(tapping foot)

(crickets)

Okay, NOW they’re milking it. The pick has been in for at least five minutes, and still nothing. It’s like they’re trying to build suspense, for something which contains none. Dangit, NFL, were things going too well?

Ah, there he is. Goodell comes out to much louder booing this time, and everything is right with the world. I’ve never understood why the fans relentlessly boo any commissioner at any given chance. Because he presides over the league you love so much?

Fiancé: “Are they all Patriots fans or something?”

Me: “No. Just idiots.”

Whatever, go for it, guys. This is about the fans, too. If you want to irrationally boo, irrationally boo. It’s part of the charm. Go nuts.

PICK 1: Rams select Jared Goff, QB, California

Yawn. Whatever. I have no idea if the guy will be any good, because I don’t know anything, but good for the Rams for taking a shot.

He’s being interviewed by Suzy Kolber. Everything about the dude screams All-American quarterback. So that’s something, I guess?

PICK 2: Eagles select Carson Wentz, QB, North Dakota State

I can’t help but like the kid. North Dakota! It’s the lovable fat cousin of states. Their fan base is absolutely nuts. It’s nice to see something good happen to the Bison, too. Been a rough five years for them.

Now the real draft begins.

PICK 3: Chargers select Joey Bosa, DE, Ohio State

Berman immediately yells, “MOTOR, MOTOR, MOTOR!” Yeah, we get it, Chris, he’s white. Any other clichés? Student of the game, perhaps?

I like Bosa, but how can you not? Great player, great size, great program, and pass rushers are super important. Good pick for Sand Diego.

The New Guy is breaking down Bosa over highlights, and he’s actually good. Making salient football observations without trying to steal the show. You don’t usually see that on ESPN. Puzzling.

PICK 4: Cowboys select Ezekiel Elliot, RB, Ohio State

The perfect fit, whether or not it’s actually a good fit. Jerry Jones and a flashy running back who wore a half-shirt to the draft deserve each other.

On the VT live chat (and on Twitter), I’ve seen some fans floating the idea of trading Adrian for the Cowboys’ pick and the right to take Elliott. Um, yeah, give me that trade a billion and a half times, and give me Teddy and Jarius Wright for Andrew Luck while you’re at it. I admire the optimism, gang.

Dinner is finished. Time to eat furiously in front of the TV.

Ah yes, we’ve reached the point where Berman is tipping every pick. “Will they take a defensive player?” he asks. And immediately…

PICK 5: Jaguars select Jalen Ramsey, DB, Florida State

I thought Ramsey was one of the two best players in the draft, so that’s a nice pick. This brings me to the other: Laremy Tunsil, and at this point, the gas mask video has completely made the rounds and is blowing up both the internet and the draft. The kid is falling, and allegedly someone hacked him. That sucks.

Meanwhile, in the analysis of Ramsey, Gruden is being critical. Jon Gruden is being critical of a player. I’m so proud of him.

Goodell approaches with the next pick, and the boos have died to a whimper. They seem forced at this point. It’s only pick six, people! Have you no endurance?

PICK 6: Ravens select Ronnie Stanley, OT, Notre Dame

Whoa! Now it’s getting real. Tunsil, probably the best player in the draft and easily the best offensive lineman, gets stiffed in favor of Stanley. This gas mask is having a real effect.

Well, technically that wasn’t Carcosa at the end of Season 1, Episode 3 of True Detective, but that’s neither here nor there. Murphy has a point: aside from the pot ramifications (which are draconian and senseless but nevertheless affect a player’s ability to be on the field due to the threat of suspension), the image of a dude in a gas mask is viscerally creepy. Without much time to make a decision, it doesn’t surprise me teams are letting the emotional aspect of this drive them away from Tunsil. And emotion says stay away from guys in gas masks.

(If you don’t know the scene Murphy was referencing, please watch season one of True Detective. It is insanely good.)

We go to Suzy, who says Tunsil directed her to his agent, who says the account was hacked. Berman is completely unable to segue and stammers for ten seconds before the New Guy rescues him.

Gruden says the social media scene makes him sick. Can’t argue, Jon.

PICK 7: 49ers select DeForest Buckner, DE, Oregon

The Niners need help on the D line, but they need help everywhere. Can’t really lose with this one. The analysts love him, and Chip Kelly loves him because he’s from Oregon. Sometimes you can’t overthink these things.

TRADE: Berman has no idea what the trade is. Neither do I. Looks like it’s Tennessee trading up. Is it Tunsil? It’s gotta be Tunsil.

PICK 8: Titans select JACK CONKLIN!, OT!, MICHIGAN STATE!

Insane. What is happening? What in God’s name is going on? Another tackle who isn’t Tunsil. The guy is free-falling. Did we also find out he has tried beer? What other revelations have there been?

Man, I’m starting to feel really bad for the kid. It’s clear someone was sitting on the video and waiting to release it at the worst time. What should have been one of the best nights of his life is being ruined by bad timing.

The problem here is that soon pot will be legal across the board, and it is about the least harmful drug on the market, yet the NFL’s rules are irrationally strict. Isn’t Josh Gordon suspended for five or six years now, while the drunk drivers and domestic abusers get 4-8 games? Goodness. I get the rules are the rules, and you have to be smart enough to play by them, but I’ll gladly take a league full of potheads over one Greg Hardy, thank you.

TRADE: Bucaneers trade PICK 9 to Bears. The Bears select Leonard Floyd, OLB, Georgia

Whatever. I’m tied up in the Tunsil thing. I strongly dislike the Bears and hope Floyd isn’t good.

We now have more intel on the video, and sounds like it was from high school. The kid smoked weed in high school and now it’s costing him millions. Awesome!

PICK 10: Giants select Eli Apple, CB, Ohio State

Berman struggling with an easy Big Apple pun. Get there, Chris. Mel Kiper is lukewarm on Apple.

That’s three Ohio St players in the top-10. That Urban Meyer sure can recruit. Gruden hates Apple, by the sound of it. “Penalty machine,” he says. Jon, what is happening to you? Is it just defensive backs and social media, or are you turning a new leaf with your analysis?

PICK 11: Buccaneers select Vernon Hargreaves, CB, Florida

Who? I’m starting to eye pick 23 now, and so far, things are going great. I don’t want any of these players for the Vikings. I am getting giddy.

PICK 12: Saints select Sheldon Rankins, DT, Louisville

Someone called him a “baby Aaron Donald.” Okay then!

Dangit, there’s a crying Jordan meme regarding Tunsil. Stop it, all of you. Stop it.

The VT live chat is getting aggressive regarding the fall of Tunsil and Myles Jack (something about microfracture surgery?). The faithful are starting to think we might have a shot at one of them. I would take Tunsil in half a heartbeat. My giddiness is increasing.

PICK 13: Dolphins select Laremy Tunsil, OT, Ole Miss

Welp, there goes that. Just when I start working myself up that we can get the best overall prospect late in the first round, he goes off the board. Anyway, good for him. Finally. And what a steal for the Dolphins. Should be an interesting interview.

Sounds like NFL Network is getting interviews before ESPN, so we have to wait a bit.

And here he is! Suzy is taking it very easy on him while still getting the question in. Well handled. She finally gets around to asking if it’s him in the video, and he gives some company lines about not being worried about that, and being blessed. Last question, she pins him down.

“Is it you?” she asks.

“Yes. I’m blessed.”

Not sure how those two are related, but okay! Can’t fault the kid. His head must be spinning. Whew, at least it’s over.

PICK 14: Raiders select Karl Joseph, S, West Virginia

Around this time, it’s surfacing that Tunsil’s Instagram was hacked, as well, and shows messages indicating he had coaches pay his rent. Oh God, it’s not over.

Tunsil immediately confirms he did indeed have coaches pay his rent. Hoooooooooo boy. Can this get any worse? Will he come out as a Trump supporter?

PICK 15: Browns select Corey Coleman, WR, Baylor

Yes! A receiver is picked and not one of my favorites. Coleman’s a smallish guy and wouldn’t fit well with the Vikings. Many good players—Doctson, Treadwell, Nkemdiche, Jack, Lawson—still on the board. This is going as well for the Vikings as it is poorly for the Ole Miss compliance department.

PICK 16: Lions select Taylor Decker, OT, Ohio State

The Tunsil drama is over, and order is restored to the offensive tackle drafting business. Another Ohio State player. And the Lions. Sorry, Taylor.

I honestly hope he does well. I feel bad for Detroit in so many ways. I would love to see them finish second in the NFC North.

PICK 17: Falcons select Keanu Neal, S, Florida

Seems like a reach. At least that’s what everyone is saying. Good thing the Falcons are none of my concern.

PICK 18: Colts select Ryan Kelly, C, Alabama

They’re showing Kelly on the phone right now. Dude’s head is huge. Not sure what that means. Anywho, Bama offensive lineman. Can’t go wrong there. I like the pick. Analysts on TV and online are gushing. We go immediately to Jeff Saturday comparisons. Right to the top shelf, huh guys? No pressure, Ryan.

PICK 19: Bills select Shaq Lawson, DE, Clemson

Well, there’s one off the board that would’ve been nice in purple. No matter, plenty of good talent still available, and we’re approaching the pick!

I haven’t seen many highlights of Lawson yet. Holy God, he is a monster. Absolute beast. Crap, this is scary. The dude is wrecking shop. This is scarier than gas masks. Good pick by the Bills.

PICK 20: Jets select Darron Lee, OLB, Ohio State

Liked Lee, don’t care that he’s gone. Treadwell, Doctson, and Jack on the board. We’re guaranteed one of them!

PICK 21: Texans trade up, select Will Fuller, WR, Notre Dame

They traded up one spot and took a wide receiver who has trouble catching the ball. Um, okay? Whatever, leave the good players for us. Everything’s coming up Milhouse.

via GIPHY

Pick 22: Redskins select Josh Doctson, WR, TCU

Gah! Much of Vikings nation lets out a gasp of despair. About half of us wanted him. I didn’t especially, but would’ve been fine if we’d gotten him. Guys, cheer up—we get Jack or Treadwell.

This has been a running theme, but first time I’m pointing it out: the fall of Myles Jack. Once thought a top-five pick, he recently mentioned he might need microfracture surgery on his knee, and clearly it’s scaring the bejeezus out of teams. He’s way too good to still be here.

Personally, I’m fine with whomever the Vikings get here. As the pick approaches, I’m not even nervous. Everything has gone strangely perfect. A wave of serenity washes over me.

PICK 23: Vikings select Laquon Treadwell, WR, Ole Miss

And the prophecy is fulfilled. Since Treadwell’s steady tumble down the draft board began, I’ve been quietly hoping he falls to 23. And here it is. I don’t cheer or yell, just calmly extend my hand for a high-five from my fiancé. She looks up from the cake-baking reality show on her iPad and obliges. We are both super happy with the pick.

So, no Myles Jack. No trio of UCLA linebackers (at least not in round one). Something must be really screwy there. But I honestly believe Treadwell is the best receiver in the draft, and was happy we didn’t have to pick between him and Doctson. It was the obvious choice. It was the only choice. Way to not overthink it, Rick.

I pour myself another scotch and coast through the next picks, because I don’t care about any of them.

PICK 24: Bengals select William Jackson, CB, Houston

Everyone referring to him as “William Jackson III.” Why are we doing this? Do we know his dad and gradfather? Can’t he just be William Jackson?

PICK 25: Steelers select Artie Burns
PICK 26: Broncos trade up to select Paxton Lynch, WB, Memphis

Sorry, Sanchize. Looks like it’s back to the pine for you.

PICK 27: Packers select Kenny Clark, DT, UCLA

Yawn.

PICK 28: 49ers trade up to select Joshua Garnett, OG, Stanford
PICK 29: Cardinals select Robert Nkemdiche, DT, Ole Miss

Quick pulls from the analysis of Nkemdiche:

“…if he can put it all together…”

“…if he can stay out of trouble…”

“…if it clicks…”

I think his nickname should just be “If.”

PICK 30: Panthers select Vernon Butler, DT, Louisiana Tech
PICK 31: Seahawks select Germain Ifedi, OT, Texas A&M

One final observation: historically, when the draftees were selected, everyone used to shake the commissioner’s hand. Just a good, solid, respectful handshake. Then, five or six years ago, some D-lineman hugged Goodell, and now they all do it. It might’ve been Gerald McCoy. Maybe. Whoever it was, I wonder if they realize they shifted the entire course of onstage draft greetings?

Anywho, that does it. The first round is over, the Vikings got a good player and a good value AND filled a need, and I can sleep peacefully. There’s more fun to be had on Friday.

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