Dear Donovan McNabb,
I know you are old and have taken a number of hits to the head, but surely you remember a big multi-million deal you signed with the Vikings prior to the 2011 season, right? And you must remember the slightly less impactful, but equally important, deal that you made with Chris Kluwe shortly after getting paid that $5.05 million, right?
Well, just in case you forgot, I wanted to remind you about a little commitment you made to help the kids. After all, it is almost Christmas and we don’t want you ending up on the wrong side of Santa’s list. What would your mother say about that?
Anyways, Chris Kluwe reminded me today that you were granted permission to wear his number 5 jersey as a Viking in exchange for three reasonable favors.
The first was to give his band Tripping Icarus some mentions in non-consecutive pressers. You kind of half-assed your way to fulfilling half of that commitment but, like Kluwe, I’m willing to let you off the hook there.
The third stipulation was that you would give Kluwe an ice cream cone. No word on whether or not you have ever been willing to share any food with anybody but I’m willing to be flexible on that one, once again.
See, Donovan, it’s that second item you agreed to that really needs to be fulfilled if you want to fall back into favor with Mr. Claus.
You signed your name in agreement to this second item. You said you would give $5,000 to Kick for a Cure which benefits Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, which is Kluwe’s charity of choice.
And, according to my sources, you have yet to pay up.
Now, I know you are really busy right now and all, but it only seems right that you would find the time to make right on your agreement. After all, Kluwe has put his money where his mouth is by relinquishing his jersey number to you and also by donating $500 to the charity for every punt that lands inside the 20.
Your inadequate performances while wearing purple caused Kluwe to punt a lot, sure, but that does not count as a donation on your behalf.
If you don’t make this donation then I will never be able to properly enjoy a claymation Christmas special again, as their slow and awkward movements would only remind me of the way you played in a Vikings uniform with a number on it that you never earned.
Get to it, Donovan. Time is of the essence.
A Hack Blogger